Chevron icon It indicates an expandable section or menu, or sometimes previous / next navigation options. HOMEPAGE

A couples therapist told us why trying to 'stay in love' is misguided

george amal clooney
Amal and George Clooney. Kevin Winter / Getty

You wouldn't expect romantic comedies to advocate drug use. 

Advertisement

But in the way those films (and fairy tales and pop songs) idolize the state of being "in love," they are doing exactly that. Research indicates that that falling for somebody is remarkably similar in the brain to the effects of cocaine use.  

As couples therapist Peter Pearson tells Tech Insider, it's a terrible high to keep chasing. 

"That chemical reaction fades away," says Pearson, who founded the Couples Insitute in Menlo Park, California, with his wife Ellyn Bader.

"Then we wonder, 'Am I with the wrong person?'" he says. "'My heart doesn't flutter the way that it used to flutter, and I wonder if it has to do with living with that person every day, when they leave their dishes on the counter and their clothes all over." 

Advertisement

The hormonal spike of being in love does not last, he says, but you can become "more loving," as each person grows. Therapists call it increasing "intimacy": being able to show your reality to your partner, and them being able to share their reality with you. 

To Pearson, a lot of this process has to do with two processes happening at once.

There's the stressful process of differentiation, where both people make the realization that they're individuals who have their own priorities in life. As we've touched on before, that has two steps: developing an independent sense of self (knowing what you want, think, feel, and desire) and differentiating from the other person (being separate from the other person but still involved). 

There's also the transition from seeing the other person as someone who's there to serve (or not serve) your needs to being a part of a team. In this case, both people are taking care of their primary needs themselves — and working through the messiness of life together. Psychologists call this "interdependence": you're electing to be with the other person rather than trying to get your needs met through them

Advertisement

Of course, not every couple is a perfect fit — the "holy grail," Pearson says, is finding someone with the same core values as you

Love Psychology
Advertisement
Close icon Two crossed lines that form an 'X'. It indicates a way to close an interaction, or dismiss a notification.

Jump to

  1. Main content
  2. Search
  3. Account