7 science-backed ways to get better at dating

couple dating photo latte
Pichi Chuang/Reuters

Everyone in the dating game spends untold time, money, and emotional energy trying to find a nice person to chill with on the couch while you both actually watch Netflix — but somehow, most of us still feel like we're striking out constantly.

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Shouldn't there be a better way?

Well, yes: There's no reason to fly blind. Luckily, because of the ubiquity of dating (and researchers' enduring fondness for studying all varieties of mating dances), we have a huge bounty of research to draw on. That means thousands and thousands of study subjects have made all kinds of dating mistakes so that you and I don't have to.

These studies, surveys, and experts can help us all figure out what works — and maybe even up our chances. With the caveats that some of these findings are difficult to generalize and none of this advice will help you meet your soulmate tomorrow, here are seven science-backed dating tips.

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1) Date as much as you possibly can.

speed dating couples
https://www.flickr.com/photos/lmdo/6404420503

Couples psychologist Peter Pearson told Tech Insider that the best way for singletons to figure out what they want is to "date as much as they can manage or tolerate."

Why? Because you can't actually figure out what works for you (and what doesn't) until you meet people with a variety of traits and see what it's like to hang with them. What can you absolutely not stand — nail-biting, sarcasm, chronic lateness? — and what do you absolutely need for your relationships to work — a sense of humor, cooking skills, an appreciation for '90s cinema?

There's a flip side to this strategy: Once you figure out what works, what do you need to do to attract someone with those characteristics? How do you make that relationship function? You don't know unless you try.

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2) Have fun, and show it.

party photo
Rafi Letzter/Tech Insider

Obviously, no one likes to hang out with a wet blanket, so "be fun" may not sound like totally revolutionary dating advice.

No, what we're saying here has a lot to do with point #1: You want a fun person that likes fun? Show off how much fun you have, and how much fun other people have with you.

A meta-analysis in the journal Evidence Based Medicine from Queen Mary University of London found that successful online dating profile photos included not just selfies, but group photos. To really nail it, get right in the middle and touch someone else — but only on the upper arm.

The study also found that women were more attracted to men when other women in the photo were smiling at him, but proceed with caution here. No one wants to see your ex on Tinder.

The researchers also recommend selfies with genuine smiles, the kind that crinkles up your eye at the edges, and a little head tilt. Women looking for men can wear read for bonus points.

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3) Be communicative — especially if you date women.

couple talking
Flickr / Pedro Ribeiro Simões

A 2013 Stanford study published in the American Journal of Sociology analyzed almost 1,000 dates to figure out what makes people click.

The researchers set up a series of speed dating events for Stanford graduate students, recorded each individual date, and used software to analyze those conversations. After each four-minute speed date, participants filled out a survey letting the scientists know if they felt a connection, and whether they'd like a real date.

Women, it turned out, were more selective about who they said they'd clicked with — but the men they did feel a connection with used appreciative ("That's awesome") and sympathetic ("That must be tough") language.

Both genders reported a better connection when the woman was the focus of the conversation, and the men showed "alignment and understanding." 

This study has some pretty hefty limitations: All 1,000 dates were between opposite-sex pairs of Standford graduate students. But it's still probably fair to say that if you're hoping to hear that click, the first step is to listen for it and respond.

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4) Use the 70:30 rule in your online profile.

Tinder Wedding Cookies
Emily Wren Photography

The Queen Mary study also recommends using what they call the "70:30 rule" in your online profile to get more matches: That is, devote 70% of your profile to who you are, and 30% to what you're looking for in a partner.

The authors point to the book "Quirkology: The Curious Science of Everyday Lives," as the source of this rule.

In a study of personal ads (the ancient predecessor of Tinder), author Richard Wiseman found that both women and men were turned off by ads that were 100% about the writer — it made them seem self centered.

On the other hand, ads that were less than 70% about the writer seemed suspect, as if the potential date is deliberately concealing something.

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5) Make anxiety work in your favor.

scott pilgrim vs the world cera
Universal Pictures

First dates are definitely nerve-wracking, but that's doesn't mean you have to let anxiety get the better of you.

A 2010 study with possibly the most resonant title of all time — "Adult attachment and dating strategies: How do insecure people attract mates?" — researchers asked a question that's been haunting daters since probably forever: If self-assuredness is an attractive quality, how do insecure people date successfully?

It turns out that people that are insecure but romantically successful manage to channel their nervous tics into behaviors that are linked with other, more attractive qualities. A nervous talker can come across as a brilliant conversationalist, and eagerness to please is easily interpreted as niceness.

If you're the kind of insecure person that tends to withdraw behind a wall of jokes, that's fine too — it turns out humor is a great dating tactic.

Curiously, the authors found that insecure people who were able to put a positive spin on things ended up being perceived as more attractive than people who seemed secure.

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6) Don't leave them hanging.

pretty in pink molly ringwald telephone
Paramount Pictures

Every coming-of-age sitcom for the past... well, forever, features at least one scene where a lovelorn suitor debates when to call the object of his or her affection. Is an hour too short? How about a day? A week?

Turns out, the best friend was right: Just go for it.

A study of messaging behavior in online dating from the University of California, Berkeley, found that waiting too long to reciprocate a message can backfire.

Using 182,000 messaging pairs, they found that for each full day that passed between the very first hello and a response, the chances of getting a response went down by .7%. Doesn't sound like a lot, sure, but if you're serious about that swipe, it's probably best not to take your chances. If you wait a whole month, your chances go down by almost a fifth.

They also found that people who were already chatting with someone were more likely to respond to messages from other people — "activity begets more activity," in the words of the researchers.

In case you need one final push: The researchers are very clear that "the data suggested there was no such thing as too quick a reply."

 

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7) Meet during cocktail hour.

sex and the city carrie big cocktails date
HBO

We've been taught that the perfect first date is something out of a rom-com starring Anne Hathaway: a candlelit dinner followed by a long walk under twinkling street lights, then a cinematic first kiss, ideally in the rain.

But what if the date sucks? Then you and your never-to-be are stuck awkwardly sitting in the dark over two useless courses.

Actual relationship experts think you should skip the roses and caviar and a grab a drink instead.

And the data bears this out — Match, the dating website that also owns Tinder and OkCupid, surveyed its users and found that a great first date is a drink or two over the course of a couple of hours.

It makes sense: Alcohol, as most of us know, lowers inhibitions. You'll talk a little more, laugh a little more, and ease up on the awkwardness. It's also not a huge investment in terms of time or money. If the date goes south, either party can make a swift and relatively graceful exit in an hour or less.

If it's going well, you can linger, get to know each other better, and figure out something you'll both enjoy doing on your second date.

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Go forth and date!

couple kissing romance stock photo
A and N photography/Shutterstock

Now it's time to get out there — armed with your new, peer-reviewed knowledge of how dating works.

And remember: A huge part of scientific progress is failure, so every minor misstep is in its own way a step on the path to true love — or at least an enjoyable evening.

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