It may be tempting to use a harsh word (or worse) to silence a child mid-tantrum, but before lashing out, consider a shift in mindset.
Children who act out aren't fires that need to be put out, according to clinical psychologist Dr. Ross Greene. They're puzzles that need solving.
Greene is the creator of Collaborative & Proactive Solutions, a method for dealing with behaviorally challenging kids in a way that avoids the kneejerk response to lay down the law firm and fast.
Instead of punishing kids, CPS encourages adults to work with them in finding a root cause for the outburst. The technique leans heavily on open dialogue, so that when future incidents arise, children feel equipped to deal with problems head-on.
By the latest estimates, roughly 5 million kids in America have a learning disability and 16 million have suffered a form of trauma or abuse. Countless more struggle with personal demons that may never end in diagnosis. To Greene's mind, many of these cases could be dealt with simply by respecting the complexity of children's emotions.
"When you're punishing," Greene says, "you're solving the problem unilaterally."
The mother who tells her son to go to his room because he blew up at the dinner table is favoring a quick fix over understanding the outburst. The same goes for the teacher who issues detention at the first sign of trouble.
Parents and teachers should banish the idea of punishment from their minds, Greene says, replacing it with collaboration instead. Kick the problem around like a soccer ball. Get the child talking, and find out what might have triggered the outburst.
In a recent Mother Jones piece, Katherine Reynolds Lewis highlighted the success of CPS at Central School in South Berwick, Maine. Punishment rates fell from 146 disciplines referrals and two suspensions in the 2009-2010 school year to 45 referrals and zero suspensions two years later, once CPS was in place.
At Greene's ideal school, teachers would consistently engage their students, and punishment rates would flatline even further.
"In our building," he imagines, "we do not rely on punitive interventions — suspensions, detentions, expulsions, discipline referrals — and we are not under the illusion that those interventions solve any problems."
If a tantrum does slip through the cracks, teachers would be well-equipped to defuse the situation.
This was the case at Central School, where a student's outburst was met with reserved calm. Instead of embarassing the boy by calling attention to his behavior, the teacher waited until after class to address the issue with him one on one.
"When you're solving problems collaboratively," he explains, "not only are you listening, but the solutions that are arrived at take the kid's concerns into account, and the kid is a full-blown partner in the process."
