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A perfectly normal psychological effect is messing with your perception of the world

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Flickr / Dr. Wendy Longo

Why do we grieve over the death of the child down the street, but feel almost nothing when thousands more die around the world?

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Why do we endure hard breakups just to think fondly of them later?

And why do we loathe serial killers but revere Al Capone?

The answer to all those questions is a built-in mechanism of the mind called "psychological distance."

Normally, adults can do a reasonably good job of putting themselves inside the minds of other people, including past versions of themselves

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But as those foreign experiences begin looking less like our current selves, we lose the ability to imagine what life could be like. Psychologically, we are too "far away" to get a clear understanding.

Sometimes the effect is helpful. But if unrecognized for too long, it could lead to pain, disappointment, or worse.

"When we make decisions we are weighing the immediate situation alongside the experiences we have had in the past," says Howard Forman, assistant professor of psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. "For this reason, it is impossible to make any decision of substance that does not rely on psychological distance."

Consider someone who starts a new job after leaving an old one that she disliked.

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While she may have sunny feelings on the first day of the job, by the one-month mark she hates it. Her boss talks down to her. She doesn't get along with any of her co-workers.

Suddenly, she looks back on her old job and sees it for all its good qualities: the delicious free coffee, the smiling receptionist she always greeted in the morning, her parking spot.

In this case, psychological distance is skewing the woman's perception of the past. Even if there were things to like about the old job, she ultimately left it because it was intolerable.But since she no longer has to deal with those annoyances on a daily basis, she sees them through rose-colored glasses.

"Oftentimes, psychological distance distorts our reasoning by romanticizing the past," Forman says. "Frequently a patient will talk about how much better their life was before they made a particular decision and I will review with them whether their memories of the 'good old days' are accurate or just 'good memories of bad days gone by.'"

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Psychological distance isn't all bad. Sometimes it can have a protective effect.

Family vacations and college road trips are usually stored in our brains as happy memories. In those cases, psychological distance can stop us from dwelling on the shouting matches we had in line at Splash Mountain, or recalling the stench of body odor in the backseat.

But Forman says psychological distance can get us into trouble.

When we have to rely on impressions we make of the world, like whether people seem happy doing what they're doing, being psychologically far away from the situation is the last thing we want if it's a decision we've never made before.

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"If you imagine conflict or war to me mostly thrilling, you may put yourself and others in harms way," Forman says. "If you romanticize too much the person who is poor and struggling, you may not do what humanity demands, which is to do something to help that individual."

To avoid the pitfalls of psychological distance, think about the hidden costs of a particular decision. 

Rocking a celebrity's wild hairstyle may seem cool, for example, but it could also bring unwanted attention. Likewise, venturing to a foreign country might satisfy your desire to travel, but the language barrier and buggy tropical weather could limit the fun you have.

Even if you can't know all the details of what you're getting into, realizing that there are unknowns can guide you to more thoughtful decision-making and happier outcomes.

Psychology
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