Call it depressing or nihilistic, but the social-psychology research backs it up.
Once people realize they aren't always the center of attention, they actually feel better.
When I first came across this idea, in an Atlantic article written by Yale psychologist Paul Bloom, it didn't sit well with me. I figured being a more self-aware, thoughtful person was the way to true happiness.
But then I considered the premise a little more: If you know people aren't paying attention to your every move, you don't have to behave in a way that makes you feel less weird or stupid.
You can just be.
And that made Bloom's argument suddenly a lot more compelling.
In his piece, Bloom refers to a 2000 study in which people attended a party wearing two different T-shirts. One shirt was meant to be embarrassing — it had a picture of Barry Manilow on it. The other was meant to give off a positive vibe. It featured a picture of either Bob Marley or Martin Luther King Jr.
In both cases, people grossly overestimated how much the people at the party noticed the shirt they were wearing. When asked afterward, the partygoers said they hardly paid attention to the shirts or remembered them. The so-called spotlight effect, in which people believe they are the center of attention in a given room, turned out to be a huge cognitive bias.
For Bloom, this type of error in judgment is critical for maintaining happiness.
"When looking back on our lives, we often regret our failures to act," he writes, "and one reason for these failures is our worry about embarrassment, what others will think of us."
In the moment, we second-guess whether we'll be seen as foolish and conjure up the worst images of people silently judging or openly ridiculing. So we do nothing. Over the long run, this decision-making strategy can lead to a stockpile of unfulfilling experiences, which may breed general unhappiness.
So when we want to "turn up the dial" on self-consciousness, we should throw ourselves into situations in which we're being observed. (Bloom points out that even a pair of pencil-drawn eyes can trick our brains into feeling watched.)
When we want to turn it down — to "deindividuate" ourselves, as the psychologists say — we can immerse ourselves in creative projects, consume alcohol or take drugs, meditate, or, as Bloom personally recommends, play video games.
Deciding when to do each of these activities isn't always straightforward, he acknowledges. It can be hard to constantly self-monitor how brightly the spotlight is shining.
But behind those smaller realizations is a larger and more important one, that no one is at the center of the universe — except the one inside our own heads.
Once we come to terms with that, suddenly it matters a lot less whether it's Barry Manilow or Bob Marley on the front of our clothes.
We are free to focus on what we're saying and how it makes others feel.
